Words Matter

You all know we're into crazy silly season in the Democratic race for the nomination, and here we go with another major gaffe, this time from HRH (Her Royal Highness) HRC. She had to say the word assassination, referring back to RFK's run for the presidency into June of 1968 as a way of explaining why she wants to stay in the race until the last primary in June 2008.

I will refrain from my views on where this came from in her psyche, but I will say this: words matter. Words are powerful little utterances that have a way of revealing our thoughts, our intentions, and even our subconscious wishes. Given the immediacy of YouTube and the internet, people in public and the words they speak are scrutinized like never before. We have "God damn America"--..."Bitter and cling to their religion"..." hard working Americans, white Americans...". We have the macaca moment that brought down a senate candidacy.

So, how do we sharpen our ability to choose our words well, to say what we mean and speak with fairness, with caring intelligence and in a way that does not for a second diminish another human being? Saying something that reveals our own naivete is something that we can correct by trail and error, but saying things that diminish another can lose us friendships, collegiality, family bonds and business relationships that we may not be able to recover. We don't have the luxury of trial and error when it comes to speaking into relationship.

And that's the heart of it all. Everything we say and write has an original context of relationship. Even when we must be critical, there is a way of saying important words that leave the other person whole and able to hear us. This is where the work is.

Chaos and Order

Chaos and order are the ruling energies of the universe, the twin partners of progress. At our best we live in continuous chaos and we seek ongoing order. Chaos represents the daily ups and downs, new and unexpected events, emotional turnarounds and surprises that come our way hour after hour. Chaos is obvious if we suddenly find ourselves in a system wide traffic lights failure in a traffic jam during peak drive hours. Order is everywhere as well, but we seldom stop to notice. The same traffic jam has been thought through and there are stop signs and traffic lights that actually do work most of the time, yellow lines and crosswalks, all of which put order into our driving.

We have (controlled) chaos chopping onions and mixing the cheese into the macaroni, and order is restored when the dishes are done and dripping in the drainer. A higher order is achieved once the dishes are dried and put back in the cabinet, only to turn back to chaos for the next dinner's use.

There's a degree of chaos even writing a blog post. First, ideas circulate in the mind. Then inspiration dries up and a panic of chaotic proportions might set in. And then we start to write, go back and edit, and re-edit, and order arises into a (we hope) somewhat cohesive message.

The good news is that neither the chaos nor the order is permanent. We are asked to keep awake and on our toes to find and face the chaos and then do the same to find and utilize the order, only to surrender the brilliant solution to the next inevitable problem. The key words are impermanance and awake. The joy of life is in that awareness of being in the middle of both the chaos and the order. It's a dance, and need not be taken seriously.

Job Loss

The loss of one's job ranks high on the stress scale as fundamental to human well-being. My last post addressed this around the need to belong to something bigger than our own small world.

I have opportunities as a career counselor to engage with people who encounter the rough world of downsized businesses. Some see the "reduction in force" as a blessing; some react with resignation; and some are enraged. It is this third group I want to address here today.

All people have emotional responses to loss, and ordinarily we have or at least are encouraged, to take the time to deal with the pain of such losses. We have read of the extremes where someone who is laid off goes home for the shotgun and comes back to massacre his boss and/or his colleagues. This is rare, but the feelings of such rage and its subsequent revenge reside in most of us, but are transmuted into healthy action through the willingness to let the shock and loss go through a natural source of healing.

To mitigate against the negative residue infecting the next positive steps which must follow one into a healthy career transition, I recommend taking time off, disengaging completely from even thinking about work. I strongly suggest a mental health break. Just last week I did this for myself, not taking time away for job loss recovery, but giving myself a "yoga" break for having completed one large assignment and flowing right into another, very different and challenging new one.

It all comes down to this. Energy, rich and peaceful psychic energy, feeds a job campaign in highly positive ways. The angst we feel is lowered to a manageable level and the persona we project to others is more appealing. Jobs are won and lost not on the minutia in a resume but in the connection of people to people. Take time off, even if it's three days. The renewed energy you gain will be timeless.

Why Do We Work?

Maybe I just filter everything in one direction, but it seems like everywhere I go, people are talking about their job, their job search, their joys and struggles with volunteer work.

I have long believed that we don't work for money; we work to find out who we are and what makes the world work. Money is both a fuel and a reward for our work, but we actually work to become more fully human in whatever way or through whatever means we find.

I have a friend who is a nurse and who was recently laid off. She's in her 50s, has no children or grandchildren and is frantically bored. She is a gifted home decorator and a highly compassionate friend and daughter, so there is no end of "activity" to draw her attention. But she is anxious about her unemployment, albeit busy with these spare time demands. She wants to get back to a "job", one with all the potential stress, structure and protocols that come with her profession. She is financially quite comfortable, so money is not behind her anxiety. What does my friend get from a job she cannot get from other kinds of work?

Her profession has given her a trajectory of accomplishment that she can summon up and point to, one where she has learned by education and by trial and error how to exercise good judgment and take decisive action. Her profession has given her a mantle of identity, an understandable narrative to navigate the social sphere, a way to belong in the world. This belonging is at the heart of the anxiety for her and for many. She is no less useful or productive for the fine craft work she does in her home, nor for the necessary loving care she provides her elderly mother. But the narrative of belonging resides in her profession. Belonging and identity and self-esteem are all wrapped into the same paradigm. The anxiety cannot be casually switched off when we become unemployed, but having some compassion for the human need for belonging is helpful to give oneself a little patience with the process and to allow for the ongoing contribution everyone makes when we have newfound free time.