Integrity and Unreasonableness

How do these two words relate? They come together at the intersection of honoring one's word. It is unreasonable to keep one's word.

Integrity is to make whole, to bring together disparate parts; it is considered a quality of being honest.

Now most of us never would describe ourselves as dishonest people, for that implies a pattern of lying or subterfuge. But we in fact break our word far more often than we even notice. And we have a plethora of excuses to explain away just why we couldn't possibly stick with what we said we were going to do.

There's something about reasonableness that appeals to us as acceptable, especially when it's our own reasonableness and not someone else's, on whose solemn word we depend. After all, if we have the reasons why we couldn't deliver as we said, we can escape blame and keep the flame alive, the next expectation, the promise of a better day, a second, third, or fourth chance to deliver. Mostly we grow blind to our own excuses and listen to our own reasonable explanation for our difficulties.

Unreasonableness, just at the level of keeping our word, can be uncomfortable, even dangerous. We can make promises but in the moment of action, these can look overwhelming.

I once promised my best friend to put myself on the line with my husband over an issue central to my own integrity. It came down to his agreeing to withdraw a business plan that was so against my own needs and honor that I was willing to put my marriage itself on the line. I knew I did not wish to proffer an empty threat, but in the moment of confrontation I had to take a deep breath and take a stand. I did, for the first time ever knowing I would follow through on my threat, and he withdrew the plan. The danger for me was that his decision in another direction could have ended our marriage. But in that moment I was made whole. I learned what it was to keep my word, or more importantly to say only what I would fully stand behind--no empty threats.

It takes the courage to move beyond the reasonableness of fear and rationale of doubt to use our word as the measure of our integrity. We never can get there by gliding into it: it must be practiced as a way of life.